For a good part of the spring, I felt no inspiration and no desire to create. I still made things because doing so was part of my routine, but felt rather ho-hum about the process and the product; then my routine fell apart and I stopped altogether. I wondered if I would ever feel the pull to create again, and of course that was a part of the grief journey too. Slowly, inspiration is coming back. Without art, I feel like I have no voice. Sooner or later, what’s inside has to come out.

What’s inside? Storms of colour. But I tried painting again, without success. Rather than pushing it and being frustrated with myself, I turned my attention to other things: jewelry upcycling and embroidery. Some projects were very small, others a bit more ambitious. My goal was to rediscover the joy of making beautiful (to me) things, and ignore the voice inside my head that questioned the utility or purpose of such things.

Here are some of the things I’ve made.

This larimar stone was a pendant I found in my mom’s jewelry box. I decided to make it into a ring, using a thrifted ring as a base and some clay.

Inspired by that, I also turned a labradorite pendant (from Poshmark) into a ring. I loved the stone — its unusual blue flash, and its size. It’s hard to find large stone rings, but it turns out that making them out of pendants is relatively easy.

This was another super simple upcycle. I loved the brutalist vibe of the brooch, but it was a little tarnished. So I added some gold paint as an accent. I didn’t want to gild the whole thing, but rather to retain the distressed effect, only a bit jazzed up.

I’m loving oversized brooches, so I was immediately drawn to this one. Adding the stones really enhanced the brutalist aesthetic of the design.

This necklace was one I’d had for years and had stopped wearing. Adding the stones transformed it into something fabulous again. It reminds me of sea glass caught in a net.

This piece had a similar “washed up from the sea” vibe. It’s one of my favourite pieces, if only because of the fiery labradorite in the middle. The base necklace itself looks to have been home-made by another jewelry upcycling enthusiast, and I love the idea of adding my own flair to it.

This piece was inspired by some colourful beads that a friend sent to me. I wanted to use them in a fun, unique way – and the idea for this embroidery “portrait” was born. The turban is a scrap of silk that I got from another friend. Working with all the colours was fun.

This was a new take on an old design. I don’t often repeat design ideas, but there was something reassuring and cozy about its familiarity. I just gave myself over to the colour story.

This started off as a thrifted t-shirt. I liked the design but it was too small for me, and too big for my daughter. So I decided to make it into a “portrait” hoop. The stretchy material made the embroidering extremely difficult, but it was fun to add a few extra embellishments (beads, and the necklace).

This was a more experimental project. I wanted to do something abstract and very tactile, to make up for the paintings that didn’t seem to want to come out. I wasn’t happy with it for the first while, but as I kept adding to it, it began to take off. I love it, and I am planning to explore more in this direction.

I don’t propose to dwell too much on the events of the past month, as it would not make for especially light reading, so instead I will focus on – duh, what else – what I wore. There were days when getting dressed was pretty much the only achievement I could boast of, but it was something to hold on to. I’ve been on a leave of absence from work, so what I wore reflected my somewhat twilight-zone-feeling existence, but I tried to inject as much colour into it as I could, on the principle that colour = much needed cheer.

But I also wore pyjamas in public and tried to make it fashion.

Here are a few of my other favourite outfits from last month:

One of the blessings of an otherwise pretty sh*tty year has been an early, beautiful summer. I am making the most of it, as much as I can, which means being outside more than usual (compared to when I’m working). Recreating my aesthetic on the casual end of the spectrum has been interesting for sure. I haven’t felt like myself at times (well, many times to be honest) but I think that’s a function of grief, more than anything else. Getting dressed has been a largely reflexive thing, rather than a creative outlet as in the past. I expect that will change again as time goes on. I’ve let go of expectations about what this journey will look like and where it will take me.

I’ve been doing a fair bit of “thrift therapy” lately – it’s a nice way to lose myself in a pleasant activity for an hour – but I’ve been focusing mostly on jewelry and house wares rather than clothes. I love finding treasures, especially the kind that I can use for an upcycling project, but when it comes to clothes, fewer things spark my interest. As in all things, I’m rolling with it. I’ve been thinking for a while about how, some day, I would love to have a little vintage (house wares) shop, and that dream is speaking to me even more these days. It’s not something I plan to jump into any time soon, as I have much to learn and plan first. If you would like to see more of the non-fashion stuff I’m thrifting, let me know.

I didn’t intend to drop off the face of the earth last month but life knocked me sideways and, well, it happened. My mother passed away at the end of April after a short and terrible battle with pancreatic cancer. It is still unfathomable to me that she was fine 3 months ago, then she suddenly wasn’t, and then she was gone. She was at the centre of my world. I am left trying to make sense of it all, and of the world without her.

I have no desire to write about that part of my life here, but at the same time, my mom is a part of everything I am, so it seemed impossible not to acknowledge what happened in some way. Grief is a journey I have only started, but I know that I am already someone different than I was.

I am not ready yet, but I hope that I will be back to writing here again soon.