I knew going in that I wasn’t going to like January. I never do. Apologies to people born in January, winter enthusiasts, and people from the southern hemisphere. [Do people like January if it’s the middle of summer? Things to ponder.] Here, January is dark, cold, and dreary; it feels like an uphill battle to wake up in the morning. The early part of the month we got hit with a -40 Celsius cold blast – we were the coldest place on earth there for a while – which didn’t improve anyone’s mood. The last half of the month, my entire family got hit with various viruses and I spent almost a week at home, part of the time delirious with fever and pain from a sinus-double-ear-and-throat infection. And that’s on top of some personal stuff that I’ve been trying to get a handle on.

But you know what? We made it through. Whenever things get challenging, I always remind myself: the only way out is through. We are all more resilient than we give ourselves credit for.

Also? 4 more weeks until I go on vacation. Beach, here I come!

But, first, January outfits:

My original plan was to wear bright and colourful outfits as inoculation against the winter doldrums. I did end up wearing some colour, but not a lot. The truth is that monochrome (and black) is my comfort zone, and I decided not to fight it and just go with it. The Witcher inspiration was still strong, anyway, so I chose texture and interesting proportions over colour. I personally really enjoyed each of these outfits, but I did start to wonder/worry that they would become repetitive and boring for my “audience” on IG. Which is a silly thing to worry about given that I’m a regular person who happens to share her outfits on social media, and not an actual influencer. I’ve done my best to banish the thought and not let the medium dictate my message (or something to that effect), and I think I’ve made some progress in terms of having a healthier approach to my social media use.

I have no real outfit plans for February; I am not big into Valentine’s Day so no red-and-pink theme for me. As always, I will work to incorporate some of my recent thrift finds into new outfits, which this month will include not one but TWO ruffly waistcoats. Oops. Blame Jo March.

Apologies in advance – this will be a rambling post with minimal fashion content.

I am turning 40 in August. I’ll be spending the next 7 months, give or take, sorting out my many mixed feelings about this. I would like to be able to say that they don’t exist, that this milestone is no big deal to me, that it isn’t even a milestone. But that would be a lie. I am trying to be better about confronting my self-lies, and also about sitting with difficult emotions instead of pushing them away and pretending they don’t exist. And even resisting the urge to “fix” them, which is my always my first instinct. That, too, feels like a kind of denial.

Reading Pema Chodron’s Start Where You Are was the nudge I needed to try a new approach: to get comfortable just sitting with the “ickiness” – feelings or thoughts that are challenging. That contradict who I believe (or want) myself to be. I want to better understand what lies at their root. It’s not always self-evident. I want to sit with them, without judgment, until I get to a point where I can release them, without judgment. That is the goal, anyway.

Not all my feelings around turning 40 and this season of life fall into the “icky” category. In this case, it’s the very fact that my feelings are quite contradictory and all over the place that creates the challenge; trying to reconcile them feels like an unmoveable burden. In fairness, this is not an unusual state of affairs for someone who is a 4W3 type; inner conflict and contradiction is our nature and I’ve learned to cope with a certain amount of it as part of my “standard operating procedure”. At certain times, however, it starts to weigh too heavily and when it does, it’s usually a sign that self-work is required.

As I do the work, I am going to focus on a mantra which has given me solace before: what you don’t have, you don’t need it now.

Yes, that is a U2 lyric. Fight me.

It’s a good grounding mantra for someone who is as incredibly privileged as I am, but inclined to focus on what could be better (externally and within). Along with practicing intentional gratitude, reminding myself that I have (and am) everything I need for this moment in time is reassuring. My BFF posted this on her IG stories last week, and it resonated in much the same way:

Around this time of year, I like to set a “theme” to guide my overall mindset for the months ahead. I don’t remember my exact word for 2019, but it was something around the idea of preparation and build-up. I felt like 39 was going to be the calm before the … well, not so much the storm, but an important new phase of my life. It was a quiet year of gathering strength. And yet: I don’t feel ready. I felt more ready this time last year, to be honest. Today, I feel soft and squishy, like a bug whose rock has been unexpectedly turned over. And I feel stuck in that vulnerable spot. And rather than try to build some false sense of forward momentum, I am going to just stop and sit here for a while.

Maybe that needs to be my word for 2020: here.

It is what it is. Here. Now.

Steampunk Lite

I really like the print of this Clover Canyon top. It’s vaguely steampunk-ish and visually arresting. It makes quite a statement … but it’s also the opposite of versatile. Long sleeves and the stiff scuba-like material make it hard to layer under blazers, and the cropped length creates additional limitations. I was considering whether to get rid of it, but couldn’t quite give up on that cool print. Then I had the bright (though not particularly original) idea of layering it over not under things. Ahh – a new world of possibilities. This linen shirt was a good first option, as the lace frill at the bottom adds some length and also a nice bit of contrast. It’s a simple but effective combination, which got lots of comments on Instagram. Not that I’m all about compliments on social media but … well, don’t mind if I take them all, mwaahaha.

Notes: Clover Canyon top (consignment, $25); For Cynthia top (thrifted, $4); Aritzia pants (thrifted, $8); J. Crew shoes (retail, $80).

Yennefer Goes to Law School

Did ya think you’d be done with the Witcher content so soon? Think again. I call this my Yennefer-goes-to-law-school outfit, although to be honest, most days I wish I had gone to Aretuza instead. I mean, minus the not-having-any-kids part; I’d miss those little rascals. But, yeah, a little magic wouldn’t hurt now and then. I guess I’ll stick to the whole outfit glamour-ing business, which is not nearly as impressive but fun on an achievable level for a Muggle like me. Sorry, mixing up my fandoms now. Anyway. It’s hard to go wrong with black and white, and the pieces here are certainly not the kind to let you down. This faux leather skirt is one of my fave recent purchases, and it works quite well with the AllSaints blouse that’s one of my old fave purchases. Not to mention the shoes, which were one of my first and most favourite designer thrift finds ever. Good stuff all around.

Notes: AllSaints top (thrifted, $4); Smythe blazer (thrifted, $11); Oak & Fort skirt (thrifted, $12); Manolo Blahnik shoes (thrifted, $14).

Trench Chic

I didn’t know how much I needed a trench-style dress until I found this Talbots number at my local thrift store. That’s the beauty of thrifting, I guess. I even paid up for it because I could tell the (vintage) quality was excellent. It’s a heavy linen material, similar to my (also vintage) Ungaro dress – not as prone to wrinkling, and with a nice drape to it. I wish it was more of a midi style, because that’s my preferred length these days, but that’s a small quibble. I made up the difference by wearing almost-over-the-knee slouchy boots, and I loved the resulting City Adventurer vibe.

Notes: Talbots dress (thrifted, $20); Equipment shirt (gifted); Stuart Weitzman boots (thrifted $20).