Today’s post features a special collaboration with a very talented co-worker – you can see her work on IG under the handle “lianneangeles”. We are both huge fans of Game of Thrones, and one day she made me a tempting proposal: she would draw a GoT character cartoon for me to embroider. If you’ve been reading these posts, you will know why this was so tempting; preparing the line drawing/template is my least favourite part of any embroidery project. Having someone else do the job, especially someone as talented as my friend, would be perfect. Almost immediately, we settled on Daenerys as our first pick. Dany and her dragon – what could be more GoT than that?

Here is the drawing I got a few days later:

First of all, it’s amazing. In fact, maybe too amazing for my actual embroidery skills. That was literally my second thought. My friend was very encouraging, but I was daunted, nonetheless. But hey, I am not a quitter! Well, not without giving it a shot anyway. As it happened, I felt ready to quit this project several times in the course of it, but managed to pull myself together long enough to finish it. To say that it was my most challenging project to date would not be an understatement.

My friend and I talked briefly about the materials I would be using, though she left most of the decision-making to me. We did agree that a dark background would be better than white; based on my limited available options, we decided that the dark blue I had used for my Iris portrait would be fine. That’s what I started with.

I knew that transfer of such an intricate line drawing – on several types of materials, no less – would be a challenge, even with my new light-box. I actually did okay copying the lines onto my muslin canvass, and the part that initially worried me the most – the face – turned out quite well.

The hair and dress bodice turned out to be much bigger hassles (I had to do a bunch of extra work to “fix” them up), but they were mostly fine as well. The cape was fun; I ended up thrifting a 90s relic of a blouse – made in Italy, brand name “Gigli” (not sure if that was a diffusion line for Romeo Gigli or not), so you know it was fancy AF – which provided the perfect fabric. I added a piece of an old brooch for the shoulder bling, and Dany was all set.

And that is when the not-fun really began. That dragon … o-m-f-g. Based on the colour, I think it’s Viseryon. The choice was, again, mostly dictated by my available materials; I thought the dark green felt would look nicer than yellow (for Rhaegal), and stand out a bit better than black (for Drogon). I knew that cutting the shape out of felt would be difficult … so I enlisted my husband to help. That might seem like a weird thing to do, but he used to make architectural models in grad school, and has way more dexterity than I do. He did a great job!

The next tricky thing was figuring out a way to make the dragon stand out; the dark green wasn’t as much of a contrast with the blue background as I had hope. I used some darker green thread to stitch on some texture to the dragon body, then used metallic thread to add relief. That gave the thing a bit of dimension.

But the worst part, by far, were the wings. I knew I wanted to use this metallic fabric from an old Madewell top I decided to sacrifice to my craft hobbies; it’s really cool-looking, and also seemed very dragon-appropriate. But, friends, it was a PAIN to cut into the right shape and then embroider. The metallic threads almost shredded the yarn I used for embroidering the wing veins. This is the part where my final design differed the most from the template drawing, because there was no way I could trace the lines onto the metallic fabric; I had to free-hand cut everything … and did a so-so job.

When Dany and dragon were complete, I finally breathed a sigh of relief; but my job wasn’t done yet. I felt like something was still missing. My husband, who enjoys being an impromptu critic, told me that the blue background was to blame, and reminded me that he’d warned me against using it in the first place. I refrained from giving him a piece of my mind – I had spend close to 20 hours on this project by this time – given how nice he’d been about the dragon thing, and starting thinking. I had to jazz up the background somehow … but how?

FLAMES!!

A few more free-hand cuts of felt, and some beading later, and there she was:

After all that work and stress, I decided to take a little break from embroidery … but not for long. Stay tuned for my next adventure!

I organized my first clothing swap back in 2007, when such things were a very new trend. I am generally not an early adopter, but the idea appealed to me right away. I love knowing that my clothes can get a new lease on life, and I love getting clothes for free – it’s a win/win. A lot has changed in my life over the last decade, but my annual clothing swap tradition is going strong.

Well, one thing that has changed is the amount of effort I put into the planning. I used to spend a fair bit of time each year devising a theme for my party, choosing appropriate decorations, planning the food & drinks menu. Alas, my life is now too hectic to allow for all of that … or I’ve gotten lazier with the years (entirely plausible). This year’s party was pulled together in one morning, most of which was devoted to cleaning the downstairs of my house. For the decorations, I decided to put my Anthro flower vase collection to use; the bright and cheerful carnations I chose complemented my colourful living room decor nicely. If I can call the resulting “vibe” anything, it would probably be Longing For Spring. Sigh.

With years of practice I’ve also learned to simplify my approach to the menu. Gone are the days of making delicate little cucumber sandwiches by hand (a surprisingly labour-intensive option, by the way); now catering is courtesy of Costco. A cheese plate, a meat plate, chips and dips, veggie tray, fresh fruit, squares and macarons (also from Costco, and a huge hit) were the snacks choices this time around, and they were a hit. I find that finger foods work best for a mid-afternoon party like this; easy to set up, easy to eat without requiring utensils or making a mess, and easy to clean up afterwards. And you can never go wrong with cheese, in my experience. For beverages, we had virgin sangria (sparkling non-alcoholic wine, Sprite, and orange juice, mixed with fresh blood oranges and raspberries) and virgin mimosas.

But you guys want to hear about the clothes. Every year, I say that I won’t have anything for the next swap, and every year I am proven wrong. This year, my contribution consisted of 2 huge bags and a half dozen pairs of shoes. A few friends who couldn’t make it to the party dropped off their “swap pile” ahead of time, which meant that I had a little mountain going before the guests even arrived. There were 8 of us in total this year, which is a smaller than usual gathering, but everyone found plenty of stuff to love and there were lots of leftovers for donation as well. I got so swept up in the fun that I didn’t even take proper photos to document the party. Bad blogger!

But here’s what I ended up keeping for myself: two bags (Linea Pelle and Anthropologie), a pair of cat-print leggings (amazing), a Theory top, a Gap light wash denim jacket (not 100% sure of it, but I am going to experiment with it), a F21 striped bodysuit (ditto), and the most amazing marble-print patent Dr. Martens boots.

I want to talk a little bit about my approach to clothing swaps, because this year my guests included a couple of “newbies” and I found their perspective on it an interesting contrast to mine. Keep in mind that I don’t think there is a right way or a wrong way to approach a clothing swap; you gotta do whatever works for you. While I try to be selective about the items I pick from the swap, I see it also as an opportunity to take some calculated risks. That Gap jacket and the bodysuit? They might not work out. They’re not similar to pieces that I currently own or have owned before, and I’m not 100% sure if they will seamlessly integrate into my existing wardrobe. But I saw some potential there, and decided to give it a try because … well, it’s all free. To a lesser extent, the Docs were a risk too – I’m not sure if I’m cool enough to wear them, but I want to give it a good try because, well, I would like to be.

If you’ve attended a clothing swap before, what is your typical approach? And if you haven’t, what things would you like to know about them?

Pull up a chair, friends, this might be a long one.

A few weeks ago, I responded to a troll-ish comment on one of my Instagram posts, which resulted in an exchange that, while not in itself particularly interesting, did spark the inspiration for this post. Quoted in its entirety, the original comment was “too much botox”. I will admit that my assumptions about its author’s intentions were based primarily on the context (I was talking about my hair in the post in question), the individual’s anonymous profile, and their previous commenting history on my account. I normally don’t respond to comments of this kind, but I was feeling salty that morning and replied in that spirit. I was somewhat surprised when, the next day, the anonymous commenter responded, though the tenor of their response was predictable. [You can see our entire exchange on my post from March 1, 2019 if you wish.] What I think I was supposed to take from it was that this person was a better feminist (and possibly a better parent) than me. Bless her/his/their heart.

Let me say this straight up: Botox is not a feminist choice. Botox is not an unfeminist choice. Feminism is not a value system.

Got your attention? Good. Let’s proceed.

I have read that trolls tend to be good at targeting people’s weak spots; if so, my Instagram commenter is not a very good troll. I don’t care what people think about the way I dress or look (which is not to say that rude comments are not hurtful). I am not invested in the “wokeness” Olympics. If there is one thing I am learning as I get older, it’s that I still have so much to learn – about everything, and especially about and from BIPOC, LGBTQ and other minorities and marginalized groups. And I consider myself a feminist, but always, in my mind, with an asterisk beside it.

Some days, I’m not even sure I know what feminism means. I was recently reading about TERFs (Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists) and I pretty much threw up my hands because … honestly? If the “feminist” label can be applied to something like this, it becomes meaningless. I feel like every discussion of feminism now has to come with a preamble that clearly spells out what is intended to be meant by the term, so that everyone participating in the discussion can be on the same page at least in understanding the context. So here is my asterisk.

That being said, feminism to me is not concerned with a person’s choices – only their agency. That’s what I mean when I say that it’s not a value system. Religion is a value system. It says that Choice A is morally superior to Choice B for X Reasons. The only way I can see feminism approaching that kind of territory is when it comes to choices that may impact other people’s agency (their ability to make unconstrained choices for themselves). So, for example, I can agree that denying another person access to basic human rights (bodily autonomy and safety, food, shelter, medical care, education, etc.) is an unfeminist act. The farther the discussion moves away from those kinds of choices or acts, the less I am willing to concede that we are still talking about feminism.

I also think there is a dangerous fallacy that feminism means blindly supporting other people’s choices. I don’t believe it does. Let me repeat it again: feminism is not a system concerned with values. I support others’ right to make their own choices, free from constraints related to things like gender, race, sexual orientation, etc. Feminism doesn’t mean that I have to support or, in other words, place equal value or worth in every choice another woman makes, simply because we are both women. I can decide, for myself, the value system by which to live my life. What I can’t do, as a feminist, is impose my value system on another person. I might think someone is dead wrong in a choice they make, but as long as they’re not hurting someone else or denying another person their rights, then it’s not incumbent on me (as a feminist) to do anything about it.

Do people get to have opinions (or value judgments) about my choices? Of course. I have lots of opinions too. Are they entitled to tell me their opinions? Entitled is the wrong word here, though it gets thrown about a lot, but they are certain free to tell me their opinion. I am equally free when it comes to the way I choose to respond. But nothing about that discussion has to do with feminism. Perhaps the only feminist thing about it might be the fact (assumption?) that it involves two people who each feel empowered to make choices for themselves.

So, to wrap up on my original thesis, Botox is neither a feminist nor unfeminist choice. My choice to get Botox does not prevent you from choosing to not get Botox, nor does it invalidate or undermine that choice. You might say, “but, Adina, your choice is supporting a patriarchal expectation for women to look a certain way.” And to that I would say, “and how is that different than being told that I must look some other way instead?” My feminism means ensuring that people’s choices about how they look does not constrain their ability and opportunity to make other choices in their life. [An obvious exception is personal attraction. I’m not interested in dictating what other people find attractive. But, like, I don’t care if my doctor likes to dress like a goth, or has cornrows, or gets Botox. It’s entirely irrelevant to our socio-economic relationship, and I would hate to know that someone choose not to pursue a medical career because they didn’t feel their personal appearance would allow them to do that.]

Well, that was a whole lot more writing than I meant to do, so let’s leave it here for now. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk 🙂