I didn’t watch the Oscars this year. I forgot the show was
on until I checked Instagram on Sunday afternoon and saw the red carpet photos.
I felt no desire to watch the actual thing, which was probably good considering
that I might not have been able to anyway – we cancelled our cable last year. And
it wouldn’t have mattered much, because I haven’t (yet) seen any of the nominated
movies. I’m pretty sure I only saw one movie in the theatre last year, which
was Hotel Transylvania 3 and you won’t
need 3 guesses to figure out for whose benefit that was.
Wait, did Black
Panther come out in 2018? If so, let me revise my earlier statement: I saw
2 movies in the theatre last year. [I have also reached the point in my life
where all years begin to blend together, and EVERYTHING from, say, 2008 onwards
feels like it happened anywhere from six months to 2 years ago. More often than
not, I have to refer to the ages of my children to figure out a moderately
accurate timeline.]
Anyway.
This is not a post about how I am over the Oscars. Because, let’s
be very clear, I am not. As a profoundly cynical person, I love everything
about Hollywood. With Hollywood, I can safely assume nothing is as it seems,
and simply enjoy the spectacle. It doesn’t make me feel bad about my cynicism,
you know? So, I love the Oscars. I just don’t have the time or the inclination
to consume it first-hand. Give me the highlight reel, the memes, the reaction
pieces. I love “watching” the Oscars through other people’s eyes.
Come to think of it, that’s how I consume most of my pop
culture these days. How else can I make sure that I am able to opine on
everything people are talking about any and all of the time, and still remain a
somewhat productive person? Because, oh yes, I have opinions. I must! Having opinions
about things one has never actually seen/read/experienced for themselves strikes
me as being very au courant, don’t
you think? [needless to say, I write that sentence, and the rest of this post,
with tongue firmly in cheek.]
So, in this post, let’s talk things about which I know nothing
except what I’ve read on social media. Yay, fun!
Best Actor/Actress
Let me reiterate that I saw none of the nominated movies. I
hope to see The Favourite at some
point (come through for me, Netflix!) because I’m a history nerd and I’m
curious about what Yorgos Lanthimos does with the story of Queen Anne and Sarah
Churchill. With that said, I am happy that Rami Malek won because he’s a tiny, adorable-seeming person
and not an old, white dude. I also grew up listening to a lot of Queen music, so I appreciate that Rami won for this
particular role, though the movie as a whole is problematic. But, best of all,
it means that Bradley Cooper lost. Hahahahahaha!
Sorry, guys. If you love BCoop, I hope we can still be friends. But, if not, at least let’s be thankful that we didn’t fall out over something truly silly, like deciding who’s the best Chris.I am also happy that Olivia Colman won, because she was fantastic in Broadchurch and seems like a wonderful lady. I hear her acceptance speech was very endearing. My favourite speech will forever be Sally Field’s – it’s basically what I want to say anytime someone lets me up on a podium with microphone access – so I do love me a good “aww, shucks” moment.
But I am also a little sad that Glenn Close didn’t win, because I really like her as well. Someone said that Glenn might have played the Queen Anne role a few years ago, and that it SO TRUE! Remember Dangerous Liaisons? Her Madame de Merteuil is one of my favourite female characters on film.
Best Picture
As far as I’m concerned, they should have given this to Black Panther. Look, I saw that movie and it was great, OK? Also, Chadwick Boseman wears a cape on the red carpet very well, and that should count for something.
Lady Gaga
Surely she must have better things to do than try to sell me Bradley Cooper as a lust object. I won’t have it, Gaga!
The Fashion
I have yet to see an outfit from Sunday’s red carpet that totally blows me away, but I’m happy there was a lot of colour for once. All the pink gowns were fun, even though I didn’t really like any of them. Better than black, anyway.
“But, Adina, how can you say that” you might ask. “You wear a lot of black.”
Here’s the thing: if I ever end up on a red carpet, I will
probably wear black.* Because it’s a classic, it doesn’t immediately look dated
regardless of style, and it feels comfortable and safe. I get why people gravitate to black. But, as an observer, black is
boring. The details, which might be stunning in real life, largely get lost in
photos. I want drama on the red carpet, and I want colour. Is that so much to
ask for?
Anyway, this year, I really enjoyed Awkwafina’s outfit. It had a certain DGAF-ness to it, whilst still being appropriate for the occasion. I appreciate subtle subversiveness. I also appreciated Nicholas Hoult’s draped suit sash situation. It was almost as good as Timothee Chalamet’s bejeweled harness from the Golden Globes. And that cape of Chadwick’s. Who knew that men’s accessories could be so much fun?
* Scratch that. I’ve pondered this further, and on balance, should I ever end up at the Oscars, I would like to wear some kind of dark green velvet, maybe with sequins. I basically want to look like a sleek, slightly intimidating lizard. Fun!
The Chris Evans
So Chris Evans Chris-Evaned at the Oscars and a good two-thirds of social media went weak at the knees. Listen, it’s better than when people lose their minds over Bradley Cooper. But it seemed a tad overblown given that, much like Kooky Klumsy Jennifer Law, Gentleman Chris Evans has become an awards show staple. Hold out for more! You won’t have to wait long. Just give Chris Evans a minute; I’m sure he’s about to rescue a one-eyed puppy from a burning building or something.
And that concludes my Secondhand Opinions About the Oscars I Didn’t Watch. Tell me yours in the comments!