2019: The Year of

I have written before that I am not much of a resolution-maker, but the end of December and beginning of January feel like a natural time for self-reflection. A main focus of that this year was one of the biggest lessons I’ve distilled from the last few years’ experiences: what it means (and how) to live in the moment.

This is not an intuitive thing for someone who is predisposed to a preoccupation with the future and the planning thereof. As a child, the fable of the ant and the grasshopper deeply resonated with me; I strongly identified with the ant, and the outcome of the story reinforced my belief in the rightness of my natural tendencies. Work hard first, have fun later. It is not a bad mindset, per se, but does lead one to overlook the importance of the here and now. What the last few years have made clear to me is that tomorrow is not a guarantee. Each and every day is a gift, not to be lightly discounted. I tend to be an all-or-nothing personality, so learning to balance the need to be present in (and enjoy) the moment with the need to plan (and work) for the future is not easy; but I am working on it, and even though I probably fail as often as I succeed, the incremental changes are positive.

The other big focus of my self-reflection was inspired by a recently renewed interest in Enneagram typology. I wrote about this briefly before, but in short, the Enneagram is a personality typing system consisting of 9 personality types (with various subtypes).

Having gone through self-testing before, I knew that I was Type 4 Core with a Type 3 Wing (or 4w3 in Enneagram parlance). In reading more about my subtype, several things became clearer. The 4w3 subtype is commonly described as being a walking contradiction; it’s two component types (4 and 3) are almost diametrically opposed on certain levels – for example, in terms of motivation. Type 3s are driven to achieve – extroverted, goal-oriented recognition-seekers. Type 4s are introverted individualists who are driven to find their own individual, meaning-infused truth. A 4w3 individual embodies the push-pull of those two modes of being. Reflecting on what that means for me and how it impacts my day-to-day life has been a surprisingly fruitful exercise.

Type 4s are obsessed and struggle with the search for self-identity (and its expression). Type 4s are generally very sensitive and in tune with their (and others’) emotions to the point of being overwhelmed by them – something I have categorically refused to accept, and for which (I now realize) I have been overcompensating for years – so their challenge is to separate their sense of self and identity from the transient emotions that they might be experiencing at any given time. The need and struggle to have (and express) a clear and consistent sense of identity is very familiar to me; while I feel that I know myself quite well, I often feel that I fall short of properly expressing who I am, both internally and externally. Relevant to this blog, reflecting on the above has made me look at my style “challenges” and constant evolution over the past few years in a new light. It’s part and parcel of who I am. My preoccupation with style identity and its expression will probably never stop, and I probably just need to learn to accept it and find the best mechanisms for dealing with it. [Hello, thrifting?!]

Type 3s are also obsessed with image, but their focus is outward rather than inward. They care about what others think of them and can deploy chameleon-like abilities in their quest to get people to like them. To a Type 4, this is inauthentic; Type 4s derive meaning from being uniquely themselves, not from fitting in. Type 4s fear failure; Type 3s crave success. So a Type 4w3 is constantly at war with herself – wanting to please people and achieve recognition, and being disgusted at the very thought of doing so, all the while being acutely worried about how every word or action might be perceived by some (imaginary or real) audience.

This is a comment on Personality Café from someone who self-identifies as a 4w3:

[You know you are a 4w3] when you try to get people to notice [you] by being flamboyant and showing off your individuality only to regret trying to share yourself with people seconds later because you’re worried that you didn’t come across as authentic or interesting enough.

Another one:

You know you’re a 4w3 when you have two conflicting desires, to share yourself with others and keep them as far away from your identity as possible.

Which, by the by, explains why I have such a love-hate relationship with blogging. Again, that probably won’t ever change; I will always be *this* close to quitting the blog at any given moment, and never actually able to pull the plug permanently.

Anyway, since most of you are probably not 4w3s, I won’t bore with you with further . I would recommend looking at the Enneagram if you’re interested in self-reflection/self-improvement type exercises; I don’t typically put much stock in typology (whether it’s astrology or the Myers-Briggs variety), but I have found the discussion around Enneagram types interesting and useful, as the above can attest.

All of this reflection has led me to my new theme for 2019: steady.  

I am turning 39 this year, and I feel that (much like 2018) it’s a kind of “calm before the storm” time of my life. I have a good feeling about my 40s; I think they’re going to be my best decade yet, and probably a bit of a wild ride (in a good way). I am looking at these last 2 years of my 30s as a time to prepare for what is to come. For slow but incremental growth. For enjoying every moment without losing sight of the long-term goals. For striking balance within myself.

So steady she goes.