Friday Feels #37

I was reminded this week that life doesn’t conform to nice, neat, expected narratives. I published my second book, but instead of a big celebration – or even the usual transitory feeling of relief that is my AuDHD brain’s response to accomplishments – you know what I got this week? An absolutely paralyzing sense of self-doubt, the likes of which I haven’t experienced since, oh, my first forays into the query trenches, maybe. If my books weren’t already ‘out there’, I would probably not have the nerve to publish them in my current state. Lovely, right?

You might think it’s not a big deal – after all, they’ve been written and published and exist – but it kind of is. Because this is a critical time for marketing (more so than usual, and it’s always important) and it feels impossible to do anything of the sort in my current frame of mind. Like, I want to hide myself and my books, not throw us into the spotlight. I’m also supposed to start working on a new book and, well, you can probably guess how that’s going. (Hint, it’s not.)

I’m not saying this to invite pity but merely to share the reality behind a situation that might seem fun and glamorous from the outside. Does being an indie author seem glamorous? OK, maybe not … but you know what I mean.

Thank God for a few distractions! Last weekend, I rejigged my streaming subscriptions and signed up for a free trial of AcornTV so I could finally catch up on Midsomer Murders. My timing was impeccable! This was my comfort show a while back, and guess what? It still delivers. Once I finish the new seasons I haven’t seen before, I’m probably going to do a whole series rewatch from season 1.

There was also happy book mail this week when my secondhand copy of EF Benson’s Secret Lives arrived. It’s such a shame that most of his books appear to be out of print and/or difficult to get. After bingeing Mapp & Lucia, I needed another fix of witty, delightful slice-of-life shenanigans. I haven’t finished Secret Lives yet, but it’s a hoot (though, perhaps, not the same perfection as the Mapp & Lucia books). Bonus points for featuring a main character who is a prolific romance writer.

My other major distraction this week was the internet brouhaha over Lindy West’s new book, Adult Braces, her profile by Scaachi Koul in Slate, and her partners’ email responses to that Slate article. I am not a major reader of confessional memoirs, so this is not a book for me, even though I adored Lindy’s Sh*t, Actually and appreciated her perspective and writing in The Witches Are Coming. But as someone who’s floated on the periphery of the same online spaces (starting from the Jezebel years), it’s been really fascinating to watch this discourse unfold. In many ways, this feels like very much like early 2010s internet drama – which is oddly nostalgic! But it also had serious/dark undertones, and it gave me a lot of food for thought: about the boundaries between memoir (testimony) and fiction (narrative), the boundaries between writer and audience, and about what feminism means (and looks like in practice) in 2026.

The discourse also made me think (again) about my own choices and boundaries, as someone who’s been personal blogging for almost twenty years. Deciding what to share, and how much, is like walking a tightrope. To foster authentic connection, which I value, some degree of openness (and the vulnerability that comes with it) is necessary. But I also value my privacy, and there many parts of myself and my life that I find difficult to share even with my closest friends. And, then again, I despise falsity – whether intentional, by omission, etc. – and that also informs my choices about what and how I share things online. I want to be a real person on the internet, and not a persona or brand, while also being a private person. I think that I’ve mostly succeeded; at least, I feel generally comfortable with the choices/compromises I’ve made. It’s possible that I could have been more successful had I made different choices, but I don’t think the compromises would have been worthwhile to me.

Anyway, if you’ve also been following the Adult Braces saga this week, I would love to hear your thoughts!

Have a great weekend!